i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
