Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
