if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
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