My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
