i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
