Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
