I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize