i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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