.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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