I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
