Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
