I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Randomize
