I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
