Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
