i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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