Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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