I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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