I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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