I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
