I accidentally had phone sex last night
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize