I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
