My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
