even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize