He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
