There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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