I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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