Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
