I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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