I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
