I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
