I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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