I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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