i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize