So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
