i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
