Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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