My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
