I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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