A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize