I wanna passion pit in your ass
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
