I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
