someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
