Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Randomize
