So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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