I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
