i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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