Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize