Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
