you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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