I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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