Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
