Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Everything about him screamed your future.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
