i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Randomize
