i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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