I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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