i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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