dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
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