you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
