and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
and you fell through a lawn chair
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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