My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
