At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize