Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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