stop calling my apartment porn island.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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