The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Randomize
