I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize