If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
