Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
