She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
So here I am, sexting at work.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
