does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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