I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
