After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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